The Great De-fattening

I’ve always been an introverted, asocial type. However, in the interest of also being a beautiful, ripped hunky stud I’m beginning an experiment (via Facebook): to publicly detail a 2.5 month run of fat-loss in the hope that shame and the judgement / bullying of my peers will speed up the process. This is already one of the worst things I’ve ever done.

The chubster himself, ol' cap'n Heffer and his man-tits

The Commitment

The aim of this experiment in soul-crushing openness is to make me lose weight. The commitment is to have a flat stomach – whether abbed or not – by the end of May (~80 days). Each week I will be posting an update, complete with dignity stripping photograph and confessions of weakness. Every sarcastic and abusive comment (of which I expect and ask for many) will be taken to heart.

The future He-Man; general Bootilicious and his buddies Pec and Sexy-toral

The Request

I’m looking for active criticism and bullying. In return I’ll do my best to make it worth your while. Judge me, harshly.

This is a big ask from me – for your time and attention – so I’d like to keep things interesting. Any requests and ideas would be thoroughly welcome. I’m not ruling baby-oil out entirely.

The How

For now there are certain things which I am intent on doing to achieve my aim. These may change or be added to. I’ve never done anything like this before, but if I say I’ll do something I will do it. Or hate myself and – crucially – confess.

The diet

I’ll be following a low carbohydrate / high protein diet, consuming between 30 & 50 grams of carbs / day. Every odd week I’ll have a semi-day off (not ballistic stuffing) and every even week I’ll have a day of absolute piggery. That particular idea is adapted from Tim Ferris’s cheat days.

Each day I will permit myself 2 cups of either milky tea / coffee as a luxury.

The exercise

Every ~4 days I’ll have a short but intense gym work-out. The focus will be on upper-body (shoulders and chest). That’ll tone me up something beautiful, but it’s also sustainable. On top of that, I’ll be swimming twice a week. I’m still at the drowning puppy level of unfitness but I expect that to improve.

As a genetic fuck-up I won’t be doing any running. Which is a gosh darn shame.

The regime

Finally I’m going to try and create a sleeping regime which I can stick to. When I get up early I feel better and more productive, meaning more willpower and better results.

I’m a lifetime insomniac thus far, so I’m unsure how well this will work. The initial plan is in bed by 12, attempting to sleep from 1 onwards. Then up by 8. I tend to need a good 5-6 hours sleep, so this should give me a decent amount of wiggle room.

The Why

I’ve lost my pizzaz. It’s been a 4 year process, but I don’t like how I am around people anymore. That’s down to a variety of factors, some of them more ephemeral than others. My body is something that I’m no longer happy with; while I may not be the king of all heffers I’m a shameful chub-husk of what I used to be – and what I’m used to being. This is something that I have full control over: I understand the science of digestion, I control what I put in my body and what I get up to in the non-eaty moment. I should have no excuses.

Except that, apparently, I don’t care enough. Excuses, alas, always abound and my circumstances don’t give me the ideal amount of control needed to simply remove all temptations.

That’s where the public part of this comes in. I’ve been toying with the idea of shame to replace lack of will for a while so I thought I’d put it into practice. With a twist of Darwinian salt in the wound: if you’re reading this you’re probably either an absolute fittie or someone I respect immensely for reasons other than your astounding beauty. Or perhaps both.

I could think of nothing worse than people I respect seeing me at my worst. So I decided to do this in the expectation that it will force me to become my best. And I am now, apparently, terrifyingly, following through.

Come at me bro.

2 people made words happen

  1. Doug

    Congratulations on taking the hardest step. Doug

    • sammotea

      The Internet is like one-click payments on Amazon: you can accidentally go through with things without too much effort. And with the same disastrous consequences.

      Consider this an extension of our previous conversation on over-shoulder-peering dead philosophers and their ilk.

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